How to Spot a Covert Narcissist on Social Media

Watch out for this red flag

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

When we hear the term “narcissist,” we typically think of a person who hogs the spotlight. We think of someone who can’t get enough attention, who thrives on being in the public eye. Such a person is known as an overt or malignant narcissist.

However, there is another variety of narcissist that is harder to spot. These people aren’t drawn to the spotlight, preferring to remain in the shadows. They often appear as wallflowers, the sweet, helpful, unassuming guy- or girl-next-door type. These are known as covert narcissists, or as psychologist Dr. Elinor Greenberg calls them, closet narcissists.

If covert narcissists are so modest and unassuming, why do you need to watch out for them? Because, like their overt counterparts, they faced childhood issues in the development of their egos, and as a result, they engage in the following behaviors as adults:

• Love-bombing — showering a target with attention and gifts to quickly bond them emotionally to the narcissist
• Projection — seeing the things they hate most in themselves in you
• Lying — not only do narcissists lie constantly, but they reorganize their reality and buy into their own lies; many could pass a lie detector test as a result
• Moving the goalposts — constantly changing their expectations, leaving you with the sense that nothing you do is ever good enough to please them
• Denial — “I didn’t say that. You’re lying when you say I said that” when there’s a clear record that yes, they actually did say that.
• Gaslighting — causing you to doubt your own memory, leading you to question if you even know what “reality” is anymore
• Flying monkeys — Getting other people to abuse you on their behalf

At least with overt/malignant narcissists, you know what you’re getting; you can see the abuse coming. With covert narcissists, though, the pattern can be much harder to detect. You may find yourself coming up with excuses for their behavior. You can be well into the cycle of abuse, damage, and victimization — even years in — before you understand what is going on.